its been a long time since i've simply started writing, without any particular direction or goal, as i usually begin. its as though i need to filter my thoughts before i can let them expand again...

i just read an entry of mine in this blog nearly 2 years ago. what insightful and observant entries about things that i no longer place in such high wonderment that i would be moved to write about them...and yet, all of the items are now thoroughly infused in my being and pop out as normal ways of perceiving the world such that to speak to them might come more in the form of an offhand remark then in the well elucidated form i was reading.

and a thought, perhaps quite a dense one, came to me- that among the many virtues of keeping a diary is that the writing becomes a place to process our lives. i just came across a reference to constantine's sleep work in which to overcome insomnia, one should relive the day in as much sensory connection as possible as though being inside it again. constantine says that it allows the nervous system that much more space to unwind, permitting deeper sleep sooner. the 're-living' seems to be about integrating the day, much the way that i now see writing can have.

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today i made a personal vow to integrate deeper meditative practices into my day. in the search for an exercise program that can be flexible with me while encouraging me to stay engaged, i'm hitting a system that is feeling good. it consists of sets of exercise program card decks that i've collected over the years. Each day I draw a number of cards from each deck and that forms the basis of my workout.

my decks:
- 'the yoga deck' I & II  - which contains breathing and meditation exercises
- '50 ways to work out on the ball' - balance ball exercises
- 'pilates box'
- 'hot bod in a box' - the newest addition- has some really good routines

I assemble the cards into a routine, starting with a breathing exercise then going into yoga, doing the things in a yoga routine that i've feeling called to do and placing emphasis on the cards drawn. I work into the mix the various other cards so a balance ball activity is followed by a yoga pose.

The used cards are placed at the back, ensuring that i get through every card before shuffling the deck and starting again. this keeps things changing but contains cycles so there can be progression.

Yesterday I did one of the yoga podcasts that i've stayed away from (for various reasons) and realized that interspersing the days of card-determined workouts would be longer guided yoga. And now I can see incorporating the more intense workouts from the 'hot bod' cards (what a ridiculous name- but eye catching with it's red letters).

this is a fun way to approach the recurring workout dilemma- lack of routine.

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the entry from 2008 presenced me to the fact that the place of my greatest growth, especially as it pertains to my capacity to engage the world these days comes from internal explorations rather than external observation. these days its all about relationship and interpersonal dynamics. the life metaphors are always thick and juicy and as relevant to the workings of the world as every other one i've had. just an observation...

my current situation is all about relationship. i have been living with ember and another couple, two friends from the area where we lived previously. we came together in the effort of intentional community, and moved to santa cruz to do a trial run. its been an enormous learning and growing experience, even when at times it has felt so contracting. i could write volumes about my observations and perceptions....i ought to be...well, perhaps thats where my writing practice can be incorporated. i just wish i didn't have to put it into a computer so i can step away from it before bed time...

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things for ember and me have been great. it feels super sweet, always striving to engage lovingly, juicy, supportive. it feels solid and real. Our next big step together will come soon as we are given responsibility for  caretaking off-the-grid land for 6 months. its a great precursor to the next move of having a child and being in the community-oriented space.